Watching Baseball Is Punishment


(thunder claps) (door creaks) (dramatic music) (thunder claps) – Any last words? (thunder claps) Winston Hobart, after
being tried and convicted of murder in the first
by a jury of your peers, you have been condemned
to the harshest penalty allowed to the state: watching an entire game of baseball. (thunder claps) May God have mercy on your soul. (level clinks)
(electricity sizzles) – [Announcer] Hello, and
welcome to Livingston National Bank Park. – [Broadcaster] It’s a hot one, folks. The Pittsburgh Chiefs are
taking on the Cincinnati Natives in this third
(groans) in the series afternoon game. We’ve got a
(groans) beautiful afternoon for
baseball, which is definitely not bad or boring. – Jesus, it never gets easier. – [Broadcaster] This is
an exciting match up. (groans)
Last week, pitcher Morris Wood threw a perfect game.
(groans) – [Announcer] Perfection, of course, being no one hitting anything. What a thrill. – Bruce, this is inhumane. – It’s justice. He deserves everything he gets. – [Announcer] Bob Cashen
coming to the plate. – [Broadcaster] Cashen
has had an at bat in 461 other games this year. Amazing for this, his 37th season. – Ah! – Can’t they at least
get him a beer, or some carbs to eat? I can’t watch this. – [Broadcaster] Here’s the pitch, and… A bunt.
– Ahhh! – [Broadcaster] Pitcher, Jared
Bowlby shakes off the pitch. (dramatic music) And another. And another. – Ah, ah, ah. – [Broadcaster] Shakes off the pitch. – Ah, ahhh. – [Broadcaster] Shakes off the pitch. And another. – [Announcer] Jackson Aldridge
on his way to the plate with a 320 batting average,
or point 32; nothing like fractions in the afternoon. – [Broadcaster] And another.
– Ahh. – [Broadcaster] Shakes off the pitch. – [Announcer] Aldridge
pauses to weigh his bat or warm up or something. (gulps) – [Broadcaster] And another. – [Announcer] And it’s a hit! And he’s thrown out at first. Big hit! Foul ball. – Ahh. – [Broadcaster] It’s a hit! Thrown out at first. – No! It’s so boring! – [Broadcaster] He seems on the way (screams)
to the World Series where fans are treated
to the satisfaction of a mathematical elimination. – [Announcer] Baseball, the
sport for men in button downs. Baseball, where the fans
need a set time to stretch more than the players. Baseball, the only place besides church to hear organ music. (phone rings) – Death row. Yes, Governor. Understood. Gentlemen, switch it to soccer. – No! – Hey, it’s Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff. And, sorry, you guys,
it feels like I’m out. Am I out? Cause I can like, I can
see the top of the camera, so it’s… Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *