Unlike Donald Trump, Alexander Vindman’s Character Is Unimpeachable


WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO “THE
LATE SHOW.” I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. REGARDLESS– FOLKS, REGARDLESS
OF THE ENDLESS ROADBLOCKS, THE PRESIDENT AND HIS AXIS OF
ALLIES ARE TRYING TO THROW IN FRONT OF IT, THE IMPEACHMENT
INQUIRY KEEPS MOVING FORWARD. AND THE REPUBLICANS KEEP SINKING
LOWER. THEY HIT ROCK BOTTOM A WHILE
AGO, BUT IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, THEY’VE GOTTEN OUT THE BLASTING
CAPS, AND THEY’RE FRACKING AMERICA’S MORAL BEDROCK. I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT’S INSTALLMENT OF “DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.”>>THE PEEVMENT OF YOUR
PRESIDENT IS A SCAM.>>Stephen: TRUMP HAS CONSTANTLY
COMPLAINED THAT ALL THE EVIDENCE ABOUT HIS UKRAINIAN PHONE CALL
WAS HEARSAY. BUT TODAY, THE HOUSE HEARD
TESTIMONY FROM A FIRSTHAND WITNESS: DIRECTOR OF EUROPEAN
AFFAIRS AT THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL, AND “MILITARY JOHN
HODGMAN,” COLONEL ALEXANDER VINDMAN. NOW, DURING TRUMP’S UKRAINE
PHONE CALL, VINDMAN WAS LISTENING IN FROM THE SITUATION
ROOM, SO IT WASN’T HEARSAY. VINDMAN COULD ACTUALLY HEAR THE
BAD STUFF TRUMP SAY. VINDMAN EXPLAINED, “I LISTENED
IN ON THE CALL IN THE SITUATION ROOM WITH COLLEAGUES FROM THE
N.S.C. AND THE OFFICE OF THE VICE PRESIDENT. AS THE TRANSCRIPT IS IN THE
PUBLIC RECORD, WE ARE ALL AWARE OF WHAT WAS SAID.” YES, WE ALL ARE. UKRAINE SAID THEY WERE READY FOR
MORE MILITARY AID. THEN TRUMP SAID, “I WANT YOU TO
DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH,” AND THEN ASKED FOR DIRT ON THE BIDENS AND
THE D.N.C. PRETTY BALD. IT’S LIKE IF “THE SIXTH SENSE”
WERE CALLED “BRUCE WILLIS DOESN’T KNOW HE’S DEAD.”( LAUGHTER ).>>Jon: SPOILER ALETTER THERE.>>Stephen: SPOILER ALERT.>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: NOW, VINDMAN’S
TESTIMONY DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS THAT OF AMBASSADOR TO THE E.U. AND “JEAN-DOUCHE
PICARD,” GORDON SONDLAND. AMBASSADOR SONDLAND TOLD HOUSE
INVESTIGATORS THAT NO ONE HAD RAISED CONCERNS ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT’S ACTIONS. YES, VINDMAN DID NOT RAISE
CONCERNS. ALL HE DID WAS “CONVEY CERTAIN
CONCERNS,” “SHARE HIS CONCERNS,” “REPORTED HIS CONCERNS,” AND
“AGAIN REPORTED HIS CONCERNS.” LAWR LAWR
IT’S A CLASSIC CASE OF “HE SAID, HE SAID, HE SAID, HE SAID.”( LAUGHTER )
VINDMAN COMPLAINED AT LEAST TWICE? TWICE, TO THE NATIONAL SECURITY
COUNCIL LAWYER. ONCE, HE EVEN WENT IN PERSON TO
SPEAK WITH HIM, ACCOMPANIED BY HIS IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER,
YEVGENY, WHO IS A LAWYER ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL. WAIT THE WHAT! HE HAS A TWIN BROTHER WHO ALSO
SERVES ON THE N.S.C.? LET’S CHECK HIM OUT. OHHHH! IT’S SO CUTE WHEN TWINS DRESS
ALIKE. LAUGH
THEIR DRAMATIC STORY IS CHRONICLED IN THE NEW KID’S
MOVIE, “THE PRESIDENT TRAP.” VINDMAN’S RECORD IS STERLING. ACCORDING TO HIS OPENING
STATEMENT, “FOR MORE THAN TWO DECADES, IT HAS BEEN MY HONOR TO
SERVE AS AN OFFICER IN THE UNITED STATES ARMY. I SERVED MULTIPLE OVERSEAS TOURS
IN IRAQ. I WAS WOUNDED IN AN I.E.D. ATTACK AND AWARDED THE PURPLE
HEART. THE PRIVILEGE OF SERVING MY
COUNTRY IS NOT ONLY ROOTED IN MY MILITARY SERVICE BUT ALSO IN MY
PERSONAL HISTORY. I SIT HERE AS A LIEUTENANT
COLONEL IN THE UNITED STATES ARMY, AN IMMIGRANT.” WOW, THAT LAST PART–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CRAZY. THAT LAST PART MUST HAVE COME AS
A HUGE SHOCK TO DONALD TRUMP.( AS TRUMP )
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE’S AN IMMIGRANT? I DIDN’T KNOW THOSE CAME IN
WHITE! YOU KNOW WHAT, HE MUST BE– IT
MUST BE SOME SORT OF “MAN-LANIA.'”
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, I THINK IT’S FAIR TO SAY
THAT, UNLIKE DONALD TRUMP, VINDMAN’S CHARACTER IS
UNIMPEACHABLE. BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP ALL THE
PRESIDENT’S TOADIES FROM QUESTIONING HIS LOYALTY.>>HE IS FROM THE SOVIET UNION. HE EMGRAIPTD HERE AND HAS AN
AFFINITY TO THE UKRANIAN PEOPLE.>>MR. VINDMAN, HE’S AN ADVISER
TO THE PRESIDENT. HE IS A FORMER UKRAINIAN. HE HAS AN AFFINITY, I THINK,
FOR THE UKRAINE. HE SPEAKS UKRAINIAN. HE CAME FROM THE COUNTRY. I’M OF IRISH DESCENT. I STILL LOVE THE IRISH, AND
HE HAS AN AFFINITY PROBABLY FOR HIS HOMELAND.>>Stephen: YES, MY FAMILY ARE
ALL FROM IRELAND, TOO. I ALWAYS HAD A GREAT AFFINITY
FOR THE IRISH, UNTIL I FOUND OUT THIS ( BLEEP ) WAS ONE. I WONDER– I WONDER–
( APPLAUSE )
I WONDER IF THE SCOTS WILL TAKE
ME. TODAY’S HEARINGS WERE SECRET,
BUT PRETTY SOON, WE’RE GOING TO KNOW EVERYTHING, BECAUSE LAST
NIGHT SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SENT A LETTER TO HOUSE DEMOCRATS
ANNOUNCING THAT THE HOUSE WILL VOTE TO FORMALIZE THE PROCEDURES
IN THE ONGOING IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY OF PRESIDENT TRUMP. SHE EVEN SENT OUT POSTCARDS:
“SAVE THE DATE AND OUR DEMOCRACY.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
PELOSI–
( CHEERS )
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR, JON!>>Jon: OH, MAN! YOU GOT TO FIND SOMETHING!>>Stephen: PELOSI INSISTS THAT
NO FORMAL VOTE IS NECESSARY TO IMPEACH A PRESIDENT BUT SAYS
THAT TRUMP AND HIS SUPPORTERS “ARGUE THAT, BECAUSE THE HOUSE
HAS NOT TAKEN A VOTE, THEY MAY SIMPLY PRETEND THE IMPEACHMENT
INQUIRY DOES NOT EXIST.” YEAH, TRUMP’S STRATEGY ON A LOT
OF THINGS IS JUST TO PRETEND IT DOESN’T EXIST: THE POPULAR VOTE,
THE CONSTITUTION, SALAD, ERIC.( LAUGHTER )
NOW, PELOSI PROMISES THAT THE RESOLUTION CREATES HEARINGS THAT
ARE OPEN TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. THAT MEANS LIVE TELEVISED
HEARINGS. IT’S GOING BE THE HIGHEST
RATINGS FOR C-SPAN SINCE WATERGATE, WHEN CONGRESS HEARD
TESTIMONY FROM THE FONZ.( LAUGHTER )
“MR. FONZ RELY, DO YOU WEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH,
AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?”( AS FONZ )
“AYYYYYY! WOW. AYYYYYY!”
TRUMP REACTED ON TWITTER TO THE LOOMING IMPEACHMENT VOTE:
“NERVOUS NANCY PELOSI IS DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO DESTROY
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. OUR POLLS SHOW THAT IT IS GOING
TO BE JUST THE OPPIDITE.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES. THE OPPIDITE. THE OPPIDITE, MY FRIENDS. WELL, MR. PEPSIDENT, YOU ARE
CLEARLY THE OPPIDITE OF INNOCENT, AND WILL LIKELY BE
IMBEEFED.( LAUGHTER )
THE VOTE TO FORMALIZE THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY WILL BE HELD
ON THURSDAY, AND THAT VERY NIGHT, MY GUEST WILL BE NANCY
PELOSI. YES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BOOM! COME ON! FANCY NANCY. THAT NIGHT, THAT NIGHT, OF
COURSE, IS ALSO HALLOWEEN. SO WE’RE CALLING IT “NANCY
PE-GHOSTY’S HAUNTED HOUSE SCREAMPEACHMENT SIN-QUIRY INTO
THE PRESIDENT’S QUID PRO CROW WITH BOO-KRAINE!”
( APPLAUSE )
WE SHOULD CALL IT THAT. WE SHOULD CALL IT THAT. VINDMAN IS NOT THE ONLY VETERAN
COMING FORWARD WITH HARROWING STORIES FROM THE WHITE HOUSE,
BECAUSE WE JUST GOT SOME NEW DISH FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE
CHIEF OF STAFF AND MAN EMBODYING THE PHRASE “WHAT THE HELL!”
GENERAL JOHN KELLY. KELLY LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE IN
JANUARY OF …I’M GOING TO GUESS 1852. AT AN EVENT, LAST WEEKEND? LAST WEEKEND, HE REVEALED A
WARNING HE GAVE TRUMP WHILE HE WAS LOOKING FOR A NEW CHIEF OF
STAFF.>>WE WERE STILL IN THE PROCESS
OF TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO TAKE MY PLACE. I SAID, “WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON’T– DON’T HIRE A ‘YES MAN,’ SOMEONE THAT’S GOING TO TELL
YOU– WON’T TELL YOU THE TRUTH. DON’T DO THAT. BECAUSE IF YOU DO, I BELIEVE YOU
WILL BE IMPEACHED.”>>Stephen: YES, JOHN KELLY HAS
PSYCHIC POWERS.( LAUGHTER )
HE CAN FORETELL THE OBVIOUS. HE’S NOSTRADUMBASS.( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP RESPONDED TO KELLY’S CRITICISM IN A STATEMENT SAYING,
“JOHN KELLY NEVER SAID THAT. HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE
THAT. IF HE WOULD HAVE SAID THAT, I
WOULD HAVE THROWN HIM OUT OF THE OFFICE. HE JUST WANTS TO COME BACK INTO
THE ACTION LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES.” OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. KELLY JUST MISSES THE ACTION! I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT HOW MUCH
FUN HE HAD! TRUMP WASN’T THE ONLY ONE–
YEAH, LIKE GUM IN MY MOIGHT. TRUMP WASN’T THE ONLY ONE WHO
HAD HARSH WORDS FOR KELLY. SO DID WHITE HOUSE PRESS
SECRETARY AND STEPFORD SPOKESMAN, STEPHANIE GRISHAM,
WHO SAID, “I WORKED WITH JOHN KELLY, AND HE WAS TOTALLY
UNEQUIPPED TO HANDLE THE GENIUS OF OUR GREAT PRESIDENT.”>>Audience: OOOH! BOO!>>Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. THAT WAS A SLOW BUILD. NOW, SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP’S BUDDY,
KIM JONG-UN, HAS REALLY RUBBED OFF ON HIM. AS A MATTER OF FACT, NORTH
KOREA’S NEWS LEADER HAS ALSO BEEN REPORTING THIS STORY.>>(translated): THE DOG JOHN
KELLY WAS UNEQUIPPED TO HANDLE THE GENIUS OF GLORIOUS LEADER
DONALD JOHN-TRUMP, HE OF THE PERFECT PHONE CALL. HE WHOSE BIRTH WAS HERALDED
BY A FLOCK OF STARLINGS THAT GATHERED TO SPELL “HAMBERDER”
ACROSS THE HEAVENS. EVEN THE CRUEL SORCERESS BETTE
MIDLER WEPT WITH JOY WHEN THE NEWBORN TRUMP LEAPT FROM HIS
MOTHER’S WOMB INTO A FIRETRUCK AND HIT A THOUSAND HOLES IN ONE
AT TRUMP DORAL. SEASONAL RATES AVAILABLE NOW.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).
>>Stephen: THAT’S A GOOD
DEAL. THEY’VE GOT GREAT DEALS GOING
ON. FANTASTIC DEALS GOING ON.

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