Flash Games Mattered


There were a handful of years during my childhood where my parents didn’t want me playing video games because they thought that they were, quote, “rotting my brain”. So in an attempt to prevent my God-fearing eyeballs from witnessing the horrors of Mortal Kombat, Grand Theft Auto, and fuckin’ Kirby Air Ride, they banned video games in our household. So by the power invested in the Father, the Son, and the Holy shit I played a fuckton of flash games! I’m talking Miniclip. I’m talking AddictingGames.com. I’m talking AddictingGames.com.
[smack smack] I’m talking Coolmath-Games.com. I’m talking Coolmath-Games.com.
[smack smack] And whenever I knew my parents weren’t gonna walk into the room — Anyone there? No? Okay! — I’m typing out the words “newgrounds.com”. No console? No problem! You got a computer with a decent internet connection? Go ahead and say enchanté to some flash games! Or maybe you got a computer with a dial-up connection but also 4 hours to spare. Say enchanté, I- I says it to the flash game, I says enchanté! To my young and beautiful dumb brain, this was the greatest all-you-can-eat buffet of every genre I could imagine. Or not imagine. I was not aware that topical George Bush shooters would be so fun but all in favor of getting W back in office so we can have more of these say “aye”. On the one side of the flash game spectrum, you had a bunch of crappy games that just copied pre-existing gameplay formulas but in a real dogshit type of way. But on the other side of the flash game spectrum, you had games that were wholly unique to the flash game medium and turned weird new concepts into addicting games and turned weird new concepts into addicting games
(AddictingGames.com) that you would never anticipate to be so goddamn fun. You got shit like Interactive Buddy, a game about interacting with your buddy. The Impossible Quiz, an interactive puzzle where you gotta think outside the box and literally move the cursor outside of the box! Internet Explorer definitely had
an identity crisis with this one! Bow Man, a stupid simple game that brilliantly uses the mouse to aim your bow and you can even play this shit in VERSUS MODE!? WHAT THE [beep] Who gives a crud if I don’t have a console, mom? Me and Ricky [clap] are playing Bow Man till we DIE. Or whenever his mom comes to pick him up at 8.30. Obviously whichever comes first. The best flash games weren’t always flashy (pun intended) but were simple, stripped down, and relied mostly on just how fun the core gameplay idea could be. Like a game where you only use a single input to control a fricking helicopter that is so goddammn addicting that is so goddamn addicting
(AddictingGames.com) that you play it deep into your high school years because you found out it was one of the few game sites that wasn’t blocked by the school’s firewall. Class of 2013, Bison, let’s roll. Or a game where you’re a fricking monkey throwing ninja assassin blades at a bunch of Bloons. Or a game where you’re launching
a fucken kitten out of a cannon, Jesus Christ, this game is definitely rated R for… rrrrraahhhhrRrRRrr rrrrraahhhhrRrRRrreally cool! And this isn’t to say that there weren’t
incredibly polished and pretty flash games like Fancy Pants Adventures or Crimson Room, ’cause there definitely were. But I’m just saying that, you know, obviously Line Rider doesn’t have as many polygons and shader cortex values and hacked mainframes as other games that came out in 2006. But which one of these did I play more? Line Rider or Oblivion? Uh, yeah, Line Rider, DUH. Also, I didn’t have an Xbox 360 or
a computer powerful enough to play Oblivion, so… But I would have played Line Rider anyway,
so get off my back! Ow, you’re hurting- You’re HURTING me, ow, OW! But even when you compare some flash games
to their console competitors, it’s still super inspiring and impressive as spit
to see what some people made because in the history of video games, few things have given independent hot boys and gamer girls the tools to create and share something totally unique
like Macromedia Flash did. And guess what, stinky butt? Sorry,
[laughing] a lot of the flash- a lot of the best flash games
[still laughing] ended up turning into
super succesful console versions as well. Shit like VVVVVV, Super Meat Boy, Trials. All of these games proved that they had solid enough game design to hang with the big boys even though they started out as just
“dinky flash games”. But naturally, things change. The internet changes. My t-shirt just changed. And the heyday of flash games
naturally came to an end because something else became
much more accessible and commonplace. Mobile games. And this isn’t necessarily a sad or bad thing because the short-form, pick-up-and-play
nature of most flash games fits the mobile platform perfectly. Here’s a fun riddle for ya: What’s the biggest difference between
Copter and Flappy Bird? Canabalt was a flash game that played a key role in establishing the endless runner genre. Guess what? Canabalt plays amazing on mobile and what’s one of the most popular
genres for mobile games? It’s endless runner, oh my god! Do you get it yet?! Bejeweled, Bloons Tower Defense, all the friggin’ dirtbike games, that one game that’s single-handedly responsible for like a billion different YouTuber
let’s play successes on YouTube. I- I think it’s called, like, “Cheery Chariots” or some- oh, oh, HAPPY WHEELS! Yeah!
Happy Wheels! All of these games slay on mobile. If you go on AddictingGames.com right now
to play some of those classic flash games, I guarantee you will see
some ads for mobile games. Because unlike all of us 20-somethings who had
limited internet access in our youth but would play flash games
anytime we got to use a computer at home or the library or the school computer lab, kids of today have constant internet access
on their smartphone so naturally, the focus would shift to the app store and not my friend John Paul’s house
out of town where he had a dial-up connection and
we had to wait like 2 hours just to watch the fucking Star Wars Rap
on AlbinoBlackSheep. And although this is the natural progression
and smartphones are amazing and convenient, you’re NEVER going to see
Bush Shootout on the app store. With mobile games come mobile game regulations and mobile game publishers that just wanna microtransact your
mobile game nuts off and… As amazing as gaming is right now
with everything that’s possible it’s just not quite the same as the early
Wild Wild West days of the internet where people just created and made
stuff for the fuck of it because it was new and exciting and [deep breath] FUN to park a car into an empty spot! Why the FUCK did I play
so many parking games? Flash gave anyone,
professional or amateur, the tools and platform to create
whatever the fuck they wanted, whether it be a video of a strawberry teasing a baby or super well-made innovative video games that allowed people to create, and share, and laugh their ass off all within the confines of an internet browser. Thank you Mr. John Flash for inventing flash games, thank you to whoever made Bush Shootout, and thank YOU for watching my video. I will see you next time. [panting] I’m so hot. I- this shirt is a wet rag. It’s so fuckin’ hot in this room.

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