Chapter 8


[STEVIE MOANING] Oh, God. Oh, God. Uh-huh. Look at me, Mom.
Look at me, Mom. Oh, yeah. Get it, Daddy. Mm. I feel like I could go
all fucking night. But you only paid for an hour,
baby. Oh, right. No, but if I had
paid for more, then I could… Ooh! Oh, God! Let it all out. Get a good
return on that dollar. [MOANING] That’s it.
Gone on, get it. [♪] You know,
I didn’t even know you ho’s took credit cards
until recently. Well, baby,
some do and some don’t. The good ones do though. [SIGHS] Do you remember
servicing this man? Oh, maybe. Who is he? He’s just an old friend
that I’ve been looking for. Oh, so you wanted to fuck me
because your friend fucked me? Nope, I wanted to walk a mile
in his shoes. And today’s shoes
just happened to be a big old pair
of comfy black boots. [LAUGHS] Bitch, don’t call me
no boots. Can I ask you
another question? How was he? Oh, so you wanna know
if he was better than you? No, I just wanna know
what he was like. That motherfucker
was an animal. [CROWD CHATTERING] KENNY:
Chapter Eight:
Joining the new team.[SNORTING] Whew!Over the course of my career,I played on many
different teams.
Some I liked,
and some I really fucking
hated.
I’m not mentioning any names,but let’s just say Seattle
can tongue-kiss my shit hole.
The best way to get a new team
on your side
is to trash the last team
you played for.
Talk shit about
how their fans suck
and their women
have pancake titties.
And if that doesn’t work,
then just like prison,
you pick the biggest,
baddest dude on the team
and you kick him
in his fucking teeth.
Boom! That’s right.
Strike out. Yeah, good. Hey, buddy,
don’t beat yourself up. You pretty much had
the whole entire force of God coming at you. How fast was that? Felt like about 100. Last one was 90. Oh, no shit. Maybe you should get your
radar gun recalibrated. Maybe. Maybe you should
ice that shoulder. It’s been a while. Stay focused,
and you’re gonna do just fine. [LAUGHS] That’s real cute, Roger, but you can save your pep talk
for somebody who needs it. I got this comeback locked down
tight like a little girl’s tuna. Well, we’ll see
about that, huh? This– This is totally
locked down tight like a girl’s private parts,
who’s small. Locker-room talk, baby. Mr. Powers. Petrus Marcos. What the hell you doing
trying to creep on me? I work for Mr. Cisneros, the owner of the Charros,
your new boss. He would like to meet you. Well, where the fuck is he? Follow me. You luring me
into a rape or something? What is this? [♪] KENNY:
Not bad. This is one
hell of a pussy palace, huh? Lot of marbles
and architectures and shit. Flying buttresses. A lot of original artworks.
Very impressive. Mr. Cisneros is training
with his sensei. Sensei? [BOTH GRUNTING] Kenny Powers is here. Okay. That will be it for today. Kenny Powers, man. It’s a pleasure
to meet you, man. Hey, good to meet you too, man.
That’s a nice sword you got. Yeah, I didn’t even know Asian
dudes even lived in Mexico, and here you got one training
you to be a ninja. Very impressive. Oh, no, no, no. He’s not from Mexico. I fly him from Tokyo, man.
Straight from the tap. Oh, high roller, huh?
Goddamn, look at that view. Seeing this house
and your fine sword and hearing how you’re importing
and exporting Chinamen, let me guess,
you must be fucking rich. Yeah. It’s cool. [LAUGHS] How much exactly does it cost
to buy a Mexican baseball team? Ten bucks and a burrito? [BOTH LAUGH] That’s racism, man.
I love to racism, bro. Ah, I could tell by the look
in your face you didn’t think that there was
any like rich people in Mexico. I definitely didn’t think
there was anybody with any money down here. You seem pretty young,vato.
How’d you snag all this loot?
Well, my parents died
in, like, a plane crash and, you know, my pappy,
he died right away, but my mommy, she lingered,
so it was a tough decision, man, but I had to pull the plug,
you know? [SIGHS] I killed my mother.
It’s okay. Shit, that’s pretty heavy stuff.
Man, that must suck. Yeah, it sucks to be an orphan.
But you know what doesn’t suck? Being a millionaire. I see it does have
its advantages. You know, me and you, we have
more in common than you realize. I, too, am very, very wealthy.
I’m also an orphan. My dad ran out on me
when I was just a kid. All he left was a batch
of hepatitis on the toilet seat. Ah. Yeah, had to build my whole empire
from the ground up by myself. Solo. You were famous at one point. I’m still pretty famous. Still have a lot of fame. Yeah, okay, man.
I wanna cut right to the chase. How can I help you? Well, I’ll tell you how
you can help me, Sebastian. You do realize when I take
the mound this Friday night, it’s going to be the first time
Kenny Powers has taken the mound
in quite a long time. It’s a fucking big deal,
and not just to me. To you, to the whole team, to the fucking villagers,
everybody. Okay, I– I got it. Do you want me to get, like,
the publicity department to organize something,
like, the pictures, and to supply the rainbows
and the unicorns, like, all the stuff
that you were saying? We’re fucking sharing a brain
right here. Exactly. That’s it, man. Yup. I want this shit
to have the pageantry of a goddamn Alabama concert. Talking about fireworks,
smoke bombs, laser beams, moonwalks. You know how your people
lit up the Alamo? That’s the shit
I’m talking about. Pow. You’re like a showman, man.
I get it. Yes, like a–
No, not like a showman. Part entertainer?
Yes, of course. But I consider myself
more like a retired gunfighter being called out of retirement
for one more fucking showdown. Can I ask you one question,
though? Do you plan on just having
one showdown or is it going to be
a lot of showdowns? No, there’ll be
multiple showdowns. Multiple showdowns? Yeah. I’m not trying to sign
a Mexican contract or no shit. We’ll take it game by game,
but of course, yeah, I’m definitely playing
for more than one game. You guarantee that. Done. Everything you want, man.
It’s done. To you, man. Bam. Mm-hm. [RATTLING INSIDE] [♪] Kenny! Aah! Oh, shit! [SCREAMS] Oh, Kenny, you shot me! Oh, shit! [SCREAMING] Come on, stop screaming! Stop fucking screaming! Oh, my God! Kenny! What the fuck
are you doing here? I came to find you!
I’m not doing too good, Kenny! [MUFFLED SCREAM] Shh! Shh! All right. This is gonna
kill the infection. [SCREAMS] Oh, shit! [SCREAMS] Oh, shit. My bad. That’s margarita mix. Oh, God! Don’t go into shock! I’m going into shock! Don’t go into
fucking shock! I’m going into shock. [SCREAMS] Stay awake. Just stay awake. I’ll be right back.[KNOCKING ON DOOR]Que paso?Yo, do you guyshave any goddamn Band-Aids, Q-tips, Mercurochrome,
some Vagisil, shit like that,
first-aid stuff? [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] [SHOUTING IN SPANISH] Come on! My sister Maria,
she’s a nurse. You– You got blood.
You hurt or something? Yes, goddamn it.
We have aRescue 911situation. Come on! Come on, weird woman!
Go! Siesta. Come on! [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] CATUEY: What happened? KENNY: I don’t know. I think he shot himself
in his leg. Fire. My leg is on fire. [SHUTS OFF WATER] You’re not on fire, Stevie. You’re in a bathtub, okay? These people are friends.
The lady one is gonna help you. You can fix him, right? [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] English,por favor.She can fix him,
but he’s gonna have to stay put. As in stay put here
in my home?Sí.Yes. All right, I mean, I just really wasn’t
prepared to have guests. Good to see you, Kenny. Shh. Please don’t speak.
Just get better. [MUTTERING IN SPANISH] [♪][MAN SINGING IN SPANISH]Well, I see Sebastian
put up some banners. Yeah. Nice banner. I do hope you’re kidding.
Looks like shit. What the hell’s he doing,
printing that from JPEG? Motherfucker needs
to use TIFF files. My face looks computery
and damn pixelated. Actually, Kenny, that’s a lot
of fanfare for the Charros. Could be a major distraction
to the team, Kenny. Oh, are some of the guys
talking shit? No, no, nothing like that. Are they getting jealous? They’re just losing focus. They’re getting jealous. Let me unify the team
real quick. Guys. Guys, come on in here. Hey, Kenny. We need you to warm up that arm. Come on! Can I get y’all to come in?
Come on. Let’s go. Come in. Can we take a knee? Guys, can we take a knee? Knee. Down on the knee. Roger, help me out here, dude. [SPEAKING IN SPANISH] [MIMICKING IN SPANISH] Come on, guys. Okay. Now, this Friday night, I guarantee you
it is gonna be the biggest goddamn
comeback celebration any of y’all have ever seen. There’s gonna
be people cheering, and spotlights
and fireworks. I wouldn’t even doubt
if there’s a couple chicks showing their fucking pussies
off. How do you say “pussy”
in Spanish?Panocha.KENNY: Panocha?I wouldn’t doubt
if some of themuchachasshow theirpanochasoff. They might show
theirpanochasoff. They might be waving their
panochas
all over the place. What I don’t want to happen
is to be looking around while everybody’s fucking
screaming and cheering and celebrating me
and see all my teammates pouting and being jealous
little bitches, dude. Okay? Remember,
there is no I in “team,” but there is a U in “cunt,” so don’t be little
jealous cunts, okay? Let me get the praise,
and just be satisfied with the fact that you will get
the run-offpanocha.Um, you done?
You done, Kenny? Yeah, I’m done. I don’t know why
we’re all fucking around. We got a game
to get ready for. Let’s get back to practice.
Come on. Get into this shit. [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] [MIMICKING SPANISH] Come on,vamanos.ROGER: Let’s go, Kenny.Get to work.
Let’s do this shit. [GEORGE JONES’
“THE GRAND TOUR” PLAYING]♪ Step right up ♪♪ Come on in ♪♪ If you’d like to take ♪♪ The grand tour ♪♪ Of the lonely house ♪KENNY [ON RECORDING]:
Hello, this is Kenny Powers
checking in
and continuing his novel.
Uh, still feeling pretty sad.Got about a medium buzz on
right now.
GEORGE JONES:
♪ Just some things
That I will tell you ♪
♪ Some things I know
Will chill you ♪
♪ To the bone ♪♪ Over there ♪♪ Sits the chair ♪♪ Where she’d bring
The paper to me ♪
♪ And sit down on my knee ♪♪ And whisper
“Oh, I love you” ♪
♪ But now she’s gone forever ♪[GASPS] STEVIE:
You are a majestic creature. What is thy name, steed? What the hell
are you doing? Playing petting zoo, trying to
get a fucking staph infection? I’m just checking out
your new digs, man. That donkey
is pretty cool. I guess if you’re walking around
playing Doctor Doolittle, your leg must not be hurt
too bad. No, I’m hurt pretty bad. Being shot definitely hurts,
Kenny. Yeah, well, so does having a gun
go off by accident in your hand. The middle of my palm’s
been stinging all day. Almost like an itch burn. I have fucking missed you, man.
I missed you a lot. Did you miss me, man?
I’m so glad to see you. Yeah, yeah.
Enough with the hugs. Yeah, I missed you,
big time. Mm-hm. But real quick,
how the fuck did you find me? Oh, that mystery. When the charges first started
showing up on my credit card, I thought,
“This is fucking fraud,” but then I looked
a little bit closer at what was being purchased: Beer, Jager, lube,
Magnum condoms. Mm-mm. Nope. Not me. Whippets, business cards. And that’s when I realized you were leaving me a trail
of fucking bread crumbs. Bread crumbs? Yeah, $22,000 worth of bread crumbs that led me straight to you,
motherfucker. You’re being serious? Yeah, I’m serious. Well, that’s good.
Because you’re right. That’s exactly
what my intentions were. I’m glad you were able
to decipher my da Vinci code. Welcome to the fucking manger,
homes. I am glad that you sent me
a complex code, Kenny. I am ready
to fucking party. I guess we’re gonna party. Fuck, yeah! [DANCE MUSIC BLARING] STEVIE: Whoo! This is the greatest night
of my life! This is me every night, dude, just staring at butt holes
and getting a buzz on. Oh, this is awesome. You can totally see
straight through the butt hole, right into the pussy, man.
That is awesome. KENNY:
Man, I don’t think
those two things are connected. STEVIE:
Maybe. [LAUGHS] KENNY: So, what’s the haps back in Bumfuck? You know that shit hole. Nothing ever changes. Clegg is in rehab. Again? Yeah. And I was going over
to your brother’s house a lot after you left. But something
must have happened, because then he says to me
that I can’t come over and play with the boys
when he’s not there anymore. Stevie, I don’t give a shit
about any of them. What’s going on with April? Stevie, I asked you
a question, man. What’s going on with April? Uh, I haven’t seen
much of April lately. Hope she’s not just locked up
in her house, hooked on meds. That’s a slippery slope. Well, I guess after you left, she got back together
with Cutler and, uh, they ended up
getting married. Married? Yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? No, I’m not kidding you. After I conquered him
in the love triangle, she went ahead
and married him? Yeah, I’m sorry. That’s great for her. Good thing I’m in the midst
of this monumental comeback. Honestly,
I just feel sorry for her. Me too. I mean, I have no idea what it would be like
just to live a life full of fucking
compromises. Unbelievable. To Cutler? Yeah. To Cutler.
So you can move on or… You don’t need her. Hey, I meant to ask you. When exactly
are you heading back home? Whenever I want. I got an open-ended ticket,
nigga. You got burritos and tacos, but in the America
you got pizza and hamburger. What the fuck
are you talking about? [CAR HORN HONKING] Go around. Jesus Christ. Go around. Steve. Steve. Hey. Hey. Hey, where you been? I just got into town,
so I didn’t know you– She’s talking to me,
you dipshit. Uh, I’ve been around.
How are you doing? I’m good.
I’m playing tonight, so you and your friend
should come see me. Yeah, well, I don’t think
I’ll be able to catch that. I just had some, uh,
pretty devastating news dropped on top
of my fucking head, and so I need a little
bit of time just to kind of marinate on it and work out my hormones
and shit. You should also know that, uh,
my name is not really Steve. It’s actually Kenny,
Kenny Powers. I’m a world-famous
baseball player. I don’t think
I shared that with you. Wait, your name’s not Steve? No, I was using an alias. Steve just kind of seems
like the name of somebody who has absolutely
nothing going on in their life. [GRUNTS] Uh, looks like
your friend is sick. You should get him home. Yeah, I’m gonna do that. Adios,mamasita.Bye. You ready to go home, buddy? Yeah. Yeah, I’m gonna get you home.
Let’s go. KENNY:
On the long road
to grief recovery,
don’t be surprised if you gotta
spill a little blood
to get shit fixed.With all great comebacks,
somebody usually gets fucked.
[SNORING] [CHICKENS CLUCKING] Excuse me.
Where is this truck headed? America. Oh, fuck. KENNY:
Sometimes being on the mend
can get old real quick,like when you’re doing
all this awesome shit
to show motherfuckers
that you’re cool now,
and one day you realize
that maybe the person
you’re truly trying
to fix yourself for
has moved the fuck on.And there you are,
left in the midst of a battle
that suddenly means nothing.[IN SPANISH] Jesus, Kenny,
éwhat are you doing? Just thinking. Well, come on, man.
We called timeout. Let’s get you
in the game. [♪] I don’t think
I can go out there, Roger. I’m not sure
if I’m feeling it. To be honest,
I was just primarily mounting this comeback to eventually get back
a girl I lost, and now it seems
that that girl has moved on. I fear I lost
my inspiration. Are you really gonna drop this
on me right now? Yeah, dude.
That’s just the fucking score. I don’t know if a pep-talk
speech would work or not. Nobody’s really tried yet. [SIGHS] Um… I know this locker room isn’t exactly
what you were thinking about when you were a kid dreaming
about playing ball one day. Right? No, it’s pretty shitty. But– But I’ve been involved
with this game all my life. And if there’s one thing I know,
it’s talent. And you’ve got it. That arm can take you
wherever you wanna go. You just gotta put it to work,
that’s all. Now, don’t– Don’t do this comeback
for some fucking girl. Do it for you. So you’re saying
I should just say, “Fuck April
and her big old tits”? Well, you don’t have
to go that far, but… You see
what’s happening here? We’re having one of those
star player-coach moments. You feel like playing? I still feel a little wounded
but, you know, Sebastian put all these
awesome promotions up for me and all the fucking
villagers showed up, so I guess the least
I could do is just, you know, drop a little knowledge
on them. That’s right. Let’s get out there and make some fucking noise,
okay? You– You really want me
to make some noise? Yeah. Then noise you shall see. Let my Latin debut to begin. [IN SPANISH]♪ I am a real American ♪♪ Fight for the rights
Of every man ♪
♪ I am a real American ♪♪ Fight for what’s right ♪♪ Fight for your life ♪[RICK DERRINGER’S “REAL
AMERICAN” PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]♪ When it comes crashing down
And it hurts inside ♪
Yeah! Whoo!♪ You gotta take a stand
It don’t help to hide ♪
♪ If you hurt my friends
Then you hurt my pride ♪
[LAUGHING] Do it, Kenny. Do it!♪ I am a real American ♪What the hell is this shit?♪ I am a real American ♪♪ Fight for what’s right ♪♪ Fight for your life ♪[MUSIC STOPS, FEEDBACK WAILS] [COUGHING] [CROWD CHATTERING] The glove.
Bring me my glove. Glove! Come on.
Hurry up. It’s time for the second part
of the show. Thank you. Get the flag.
Pick the flag up. Come on. Don’t just let it
lay there. It’s disrespectful. Don’t let it drag. [♪] [SIGHS] [♪] Wolverines. [SHOUTS IN SPANISH] [IN SPANISH] [LAUGHS] ANNOUNCER: Fuck. [♪] [CAR DOOR OPENS] Did I miss the game? Yeah, I didn’t have anybody here
to support me, but it’s all right. Kenny, I’m sorry. Sorry I missed the game.
I don’t know what happened. I might have gotten
kidnapped or something. Yeah, Stevie,
you weren’t kidnapped. I put you on that truck so I
wouldn’t have to deal with you. What? Yeah, you remind me of home, and for obvious reasons,
home is painful to me. Because you miss
the children? Yeah, Stevie, because I miss
the fucking children. No. It’s… Look, I’m just not
100 percent proud of the way everything
went down there, all right? And when I saw your stupid,
dumb, happy face, it just reminded me
of all that shit. You know, I wish it didn’t.
I feel bad about it. It just seems like your face
and our friendship is kind of
the collateral damage. Kenny. Oh, come on, man. I kneel before you as a man,
begging a much better man to please let me stay here and join you
on this Hispanic adventure. Kenny, I work in a fucking
coffee shop. A fucking coffee shop
back in Shelby. Please just let me
stay here and tear this shit up with you,
Kenny. I will do whatever you want. That’s enough. Okay, I will do whatever
you want in fucking Mexico! KENNY:
You should just get up off– STEVIE:
I will do whatever you want! Come on. Get up. I will get up when– Get up! Just get the fuck up.
Stop, man. Everyone’s looking at us.
Jesus Christ. Look… [SIGHS] …this is a dangerous place,
Stevie. I know. If you were to stay here, I can’t guarantee
that you’d make it home alive. You would not only
be responsible for watching your own back,
but also mine. You’d also be responsible for doing a lot
of my personal errands, more than likely, my laundry. Kenny, I am so fucking ready to get hard-core
with fucking errands or slapping
whoever fucking steps up right in the fucking face. Are you? Yes. Welcome to the resistance. Fuck, yes. [THE BLACK KEYS’
“I’M NOT THE ONE” PLAYING]♪ I’ve been tried ♪♪ And I’ve been tested ♪♪ I was born tired ♪♪ I never got rested ♪♪ Harder than ♪♪ Marble stone ♪♪ I’m better off ♪♪ Better off left alone ♪♪ Because I’m not the one ♪♪ No, I’m not the one ♪♪ You wanted it all ♪♪ But I give you ♪♪ Give you none ♪♪ No, I’m not the one ♪♪ No, I’m not the one ♪♪ Yeah ♪♪ One, not the one for you ♪♪ Not the one ♪♪ Not the one ♪♪ Not the one ♪

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